I Have Squandered My Resistance
by ambitiousbutrubbish
Summary: Charlie and Matteusz decide to spend some time apart to really think about what they want. They're not very good at it. Set between episodes 6/7 and 8. - Charlie/Matteusz


**A/N:** …yeah I will deal with post-season thoughts later. But first, some angsty fluffy stuff.

Sequel to **I Will Lay Me Down (Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water)** , with own sequels **And My Travelling Companions Are Ghosts And Empty Sockets** and **Spinning In Infinity**

* * *

The weekend is bearable.

Waking up with Charlie in his arms, the morning after being flung out of time and space by a prison rock, is almost enough for Matteusz to put off any conversation they need to have indefinitely. It's almost enough to simply not talk about it, to pretend nothing had been confessed, if it will keep _this_ just the way it has always been since he met Charlie.

 _Almost_.

But Matteusz brushes the hair out of Charlie's eyes and watches him wake up and they discuss it.

Eventually, they reluctantly decide that the best way to move forward is to spend some time apart, to really _see_ , to really _think_ about what they want. Matteusz packs a week's worth of supplies into his backpack while Charlie is at the hospital checking on Miss Quill. Charlie had near begged him to wait until he got back so he could at the very least book him into a hotel room. The Doctor had left him with a credit card that somehow allows him virtually unlimited funds; though Charlie is fairly frugal, as befitting someone who grew up during a war. He assures Matteusz that it is somehow all above board, but Matteusz still feels like they're cheating _someone_ out of _something_. Besides, the point of the exercise to try to be without Charlie, and letting him buy him a hotel room would defeat the purpose somewhat.

Matteusz is gone long before Charlie returns.

After that, it's only a matter of sneaking in through his cousin's window and asking if he can borrow her car. It takes longer than expected. Matteusz trips over the sill as he's trying to swing his last leg over, and almost falls flat on his face. She catches him before he overbalances too much, half to stop his fall and half to hug him. He hasn't seen her since his father kicked him out. While she is supportive, his aunt and uncle don't accept his sexuality any more than his parents do, and his cousin had been forbidden to speak to him. They send the occasional text, but actual physical contact had been deemed a last resort. Matteusz had planned to be in and out, but his cousin insists he stay and fill her in, and by the time he has finished his very edited retelling it is dinner time. She smuggles him up a bag of food and reluctantly sends him off with it and her keys.

Matteusz parks the car in as dark an alley as he can find near Charlie's apartment. The lights inside were turned off when he drove past, even though it is barely eight o'clock. Still, Matteusz wants to be close enough that he can get to Charlie quickly if anything goes wrong. He eats the meal his cousin stole for him and then climbs into the back seat. It's a tight fit to lie down, but it's at least dry. And a pleasant enough temperature for sleeping.

The lone streetlamp outside the alley shines directly in through the windscreen, and no matter how he shifts he can't block it out with the seat in front. Matteusz briefly considers moving the car, but instead he rummages through his bag and pulls out the soft grey cardigan Charlie had worn yesterday. He wraps it around the top of his head and over his eyes, curls the leftovers under his head to at as a pillow, and falls asleep.

Matteusz wakes on Sunday with a slight crick in his neck, but otherwise well enough rested. He's immediately greeted with the smell of _Charlie_ and for a moment he hopes the last few days were a dream, that he will open his eyes to see Charlie staring back at him with his soft, sleepy expression, in their bed. Instead he opens them and sees nothing but more blackness until he unwinds the cardigan, and then it's only the cold light of day.

He spends the rest of the day wandering the area, looking for a good place to shower an use the bathroom. Once that is done, he heads to the library to finish his homework. No use falling behind, and besides. It's a good distraction. The less time he has to dwell on Charlie, the better.

-00000-

The first day back at school is more difficult than Matteusz had expected, and he had gone into this whole exercise knowing that it would feel like he was giving up the last good thing in his life.

Charlie respects his wishes and avoids him completely. But they share many of the same classes, so Matteusz can't help but see him around. It's torture; the clear part through the back of Charlie's sensible, slightly dorky haircut is like a knife in his chest, the stretch of his deceptively strong shoulders a physical blow knocking the wind right out of him. Matteusz doesn't take in a single thing any of his teachers say. He only hears the sound of his blood rushing in his ears, only notices the way that it feels like he's gasping for breath, forcing air into lungs squeezed tight in pain. He stares down at his desk and tries to think of something, _anything_ else other than Charlie a couple of rows in front of him. But it's impossible, when he can feel the occasional fleeting glance of Charlie's gaze.

They only make eye contact once, in the hall between classes. It's his own fault. Looking straight ahead, Matteusz can clearly see over the top of Charlie's head. But he can't help himself, tries to catch a glimpse of that soft skin between Charlie's hair and his buttoned up collar as his walks passed him while he has his head bowed looking through his locker. And Charlie turns, sketchbook in hand, and their eyes meet and Matteusz freezes. It's only the briefest of glances, like when you catch yourself making accidental eye contact with a stranger on public transport, but Matteusz still sees the tears that immediately spring to Charlie's eyes before he spins back to his locker. It feels like he's been stabbed, and Matteusz wants to reach out and comfort him, to just forget everything. Instead, he swallows thickly and walks on.

It's a harsh reminder of why they need the time apart - he can't think objectively about Charlie when he can see him.

Matteusz eats dinner at McDonalds because it's quick and cheap and he can sit inside for hours and use the wifi. He stays there until he's exhausted and stumbles back to his cousin's car. He lies down if the back seat and starts wrapping Charlie's cardigan around his eyes again and suddenly it's too _much_ , the smell of Charlie that had been so comforting all weekend now only brings heartache. Matteusz throws the cardigan into the front seat, but the whole car smells like Charlie, their clothes having been kept in the same dresser for weeks, washed with the same detergent. It's all Matteusz can think about. _He's_ all that Matteusz can think about.

The lone street light streams in through the car windscreen straight into his face, and Matteusz hardly sleeps a wink.

-00000-

The next day starts even worse than the first; Matteusz is sad and tired and when he sees Charlie trudging his lonely was through the school entrance he veers off from the class that they're supposed to share and heads for the library instead. He makes his way to the back of the room and sinks slowly to the floor, legs up tight against his chest. Then he puts his head on his knees and he closes his eyes and he just sits there. For hours. He must doze a little, because he doesn't open his eyes or raise his head again until the lunch bell.

Matteusz follows the other students outside, and he spots Charlie almost immediately. He's sitting with April, their backs to the Coal Hill sign, right where he had first approached Matteusz and asked if he had understood the English class that morning. Matteusz had been momentarily offended, but Charlie's flustered apology had convinced him that he had just been expressing honest confusion over Shakespeare. Then it had just been nice that Charlie had come to _him_ for help, over literally anyone else.

Charlie looks up with a truely heartbreaking look of hope on his face as Matteusz approaches, and it takes all of his considerable stubbornness to shake his head in response. Charlie swallows hard and sets his jaw and leans over to whisper something to April. When he takes the seat next to her April says a cheery "hello" and then turns away and back to Charlie.

Matteusz barely hears the words of their conversation - something about television, he thinks. He's too busy trying to watch Charlie but make it look like he's staring off into the sea of students milling around. For his part, Charlie is focussed so completely on April's face as she talks to him - so that he won't accidentally look passed her at him - that Matteusz can practically feel the blush radiating off her. He has to smile. It's all too easy to see why April had a crush on Charlie for a bit there. He can look at you like you're the only person in the world. Matteusz suspects that it's a royalty thing.

The bell rings and April hurries off to her next class. Charlie and Matteusz are not quite so quick at gathering their things, and for a moment they are alone together on the short concrete wall. Matteusz wants desperately to reach out and _touch_ , and he keeps his hands clasped together and shoved between his knees. He can see Charlie's knuckles going white where he's gripping the strap of his bag even as he stares ahead to avoid Matteusz's gaze. "How is Miss Quill?" He asks, because he genuinely is worried about her. Although whether that worry is because she is unconscious or because she may no longer be, he isn't sure.

Charlie turns and looks at him and the _hurt_ is so stark on his face it makes Matteusz's breath stop in its tracks. "Still unconscious." He replies, and stands and hurries after April. Matteusz watches him go, and then sighs and heads back into the school.

The rest of the day is easier. It's still hard to look at Charlie, but his gaze when he turns to look at Matteusz isn't quite so crushing as it had been yesterday. Matteusz decides that his problem was that he was trying to cut Charlie out cold turkey. It's a hypothesis he resolves to test tomorrow.

-00000-

On the third day April isn't sitting with Charlie at lunch, and Matteusz almost turns away and scurries back to the library for the rest of the day. But the sight of Charlie on his own - the grey backdrop of the concrete behind him, the dead and rotting flower petals at his feet - is too much to bare. Besides, Matteusz doesn't want to be alone either.

"Where is April?" He asks as he sits down, a good human-sized gap between them.

Charlie turns to look at him, and he is as buttoned up and put together as always. Even naked, there is something regal about him, like royalty is not an arbitrary concept but something in his bones. Asleep he doesn't twitch or fidget or roll, just lays still with his eyes closed and breathes so regimentally it seems more like he's faking it rather than actually sleeping. But behind all that he looks only disheveled; his hair a little looser than normal - wavy at the ends like it is just after he wakes or when Matteusz runs his fingers through it to mess Charlie up a bit - his face almost bloodless, like he has been unwell.

"She's with Tanya." Charlie answers. "I think they're talking about Ram." He pauses. "I wouldn't know what to say."

Silently, Matteusz agrees. His friendship with Ram is a lot less easy than it is with the others. It's the same for Charlie, Matteusz knows. Tapped in that classroom he had been so _sure_ , so afraid, so furious that Ram was going to go _there_. And it had turned out to be about Charlie being an alien, not a boy, but even so the thought of trying to confront Ram about how he's feeling makes him uncomfortable. He had been cruel to April with his emotions ramped up by the prison, even after admitting to loving her. And Matteusz doesn't imagine he will be any kinder if he's forced into something he doesn't want to do. He knows Ram won't mean it, but he also knows that it's not something he could forgive.

"Matteusz?" Charlie's voice is quiet and hesitant and Matteusz could easily pretend he hadn't heard it and eat in silence until lunch is over. Instead he hums in acknowledgement. Charlie continues: "Do you think I'm stupid?"

"What? No." He barks out, rather more loudly than he had intended, and a small number of the closest students turn to look at them. They lose interest again fairly quickly, and Matteusz wonders if it's because of genuine disinterest, or if the absence of prying eyes is somehow Charlie's doing; gazes skating off him, their brains naturally inclined to ignore an alien. Matteusz had noticed it after the Shadowkin and the Lankin, the way everyone else seemed to just _forget_. He envies them a little, their minds not occupied with threats from other planets. But he's still glad he remembers. If it _is_ a Charlie thing, he's sure that it's destiny that he never forgot him. "What?" He asks again, quieter this time and shifts a little closer.

"Tanya thinks I am." Charlie says, and he sounds almost sulky, albeit in the way of someone who has never been allowed to sulk lest an entire planet lose faith in him and his family. He definitely sounds ashamed.

Matteusz sighs audibly. "Tanya is young." He says. "We are forgetting because she is very smart and mature. She has been through much. But she is young. And sometimes when we are young we say things and we do not think about how they will sound. Or if they will hurt people."

"She still meant it, though." Charlie says quietly. "And there are a lot of simple human things that I don't know."

"But there are a lot of complicated alien things that you do know." Matteusz tries, but humour doesn't appear to be injected into the conversation. "Besides, there were many things that I also did not understand when I came to this country."

Charlie squints the incredibly endearing way that he does when he's trying to figure out something strange and human. Matteusz wants to reach out and smooth the confusion from his face. Instead, he sits on his hands. Charlie appears to accept that he isn't going to find his way to the conclusion alone. "Why?" He asks.

"Because I did not speak English very well." Matteusz answers. "And because Poland is very different in some ways."

Charlie thinks about this too, and reaches a similar conclusion as before. "How?"

"I will tell you." Matteusz says slowly. "But you must tell me something about Rhoida in return. I would like to learn."

Charlie nods. "That's fair."

Matteusz thinks for a moment. "Have you heard about Easter?" He asks. Charlie shakes his head. "It is a religious holiday. Very important to my parents. We arrived in England a week before, and we do many of the things we would do in Poland except there is something missing because here they do not celebrate Śmigus-Dyngus."

"What is–" Charlie hesitates for a moment over the unfamiliar word, "Śmigus-Dyngus?" He's very good at copying exactly how Matteusz says things. He's the only person at the school who appears able to say his name right. If he had to guess, he'd say that it's because Charlie has no preconceived ideas of what human vocabulary should sound like. It's incredibly endearing.

"It is a day where we try and soak each other in water."

Charlie looks baffled again. "Why would you do that? It sounds unpleasant."

Matteusz's shrug is hampered somewhat by the hand-sitting. "It is tradition." He says with a small smile. "And it is also fun."

Charlie smiles hesitantly in return, but it quickly falls away into a contemplative silence. Matteusz is about to prompt him to tell a story of his own when he starts talking. "Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll break everything on this planet just by touching it." He says, voice hushed. "You must have noticed that I am a lot stronger than a human." He pauses and Matteusz thinks about Charlie stabbing a screwdriver through flesh and carpet and tile, Charlie wresting his hand from four people with one arm in detention and not even paying them any mind. He swallows and nods. Charlie continues. "As a species we are naturally stronger. We also occupy a war-torn planet. I don't like blood, but only because human blood is very different to Rhodian and I am not used to the smell. On Rhoda I saw a great amount of violence, and I was trained to fight at a very young age."

He pauses again and Matteusz thinks that that's all he's getting before Charlie starts up again, even quieter than before, and Matteusz has to shift closer to hear. "I miss it sometimes." He says, as his gaze flicks down to the ground. Sometimes he's so human that it's easy to forget that he's not. "No the fighting or the war, but I miss the training." He looks back up an his eyes are begging Matteusz to understand. He'd very much like to, so he gestures for Charlie to continue. "When you are a Prince, you must always be calm and in control. But when you are fighting, all rank disappears. It was the only time that I was allowed to be angry or hurt or anything, really." And it is understandable. And it's sad; the thought that the only time Charlie could show emotions was when people were actively trying to cause him pain. "It isn't like that now, I feel safe talking about how I feel with you. But still. I miss it. And I can never have it again, because it would be far too easy for me to hurt a human."

Matteusz does't know how to reply to any of that. It seems like every time Charlie tells him something about Rhodia it just opens up so many more questions: what was the war really like? And what was Miss Quill's role in it? What was _Charlie's_ role. He'd heard him say that he'd never killed anyone, but had he ever perhaps maimed someone? Captured them? They would need far more time to actually talk properly about it. Perhaps not on a low wall at a school entrance with other students within hearing distance. Matteusz looks down at his phone and sees that class is about to start again, and he decides to go with something simple and sweet: "I do not mind that you are very strong." He says, and leans in a little more to quickly bump their shoulders together. "It is kind of hot."

"Thank you." Charlie says automatically and his body instinctively follow Matteusz's as he straightens up. And then he seems to catch himself, both the leaning and Matteusz's words and he flushes bright red.

And then the bell rings, but it can't quite drown out Charlie's short laugh. Hearing it, Matteusz knows for sure; he doesn't need a whole week. This time apart has shown him that what he wants, more than anything, is Charlie.

No matter what.

* * *

 **A/N:** That ad with the Polish dude who learns English so he can speak to his grandchild at Christmas and now all I can do is think about Matteusz excitedly learning English when he finds out they're going to move so he can make friends in England oh my _god_.

I imagine that the Doctor has a bank account that has been collecting interest since humans first started banking that he lends out to any alien he leaves on Earth for refuge.

Look and all I'm saying is that Charlie has to know how to fight. I mean she has no other choice but even so Quill trusts him with her gun to save them from the Shadowkin because she walks towards them right beside him. She lets him take it right out of her hand. And he does it so confidently. He clearly knows how to shoot. So I don't doubt he knows how to throw a punch too.


End file.
